1 + 1 = 2 (usually)

(A forewarning, family and friends: this one is raw and hurting.)

When I was little, my parents did their best to raise me in a world that was black and white. Taking my older brother's Lego was wrong; sharing my snack with him was right. Griping to get a higher grade was wrong; admitting I'd gotten extra, unwarranted points on a test was right. Things were simple: one + one = two, and the world made some logical sense. And that was okay by me--because I usually did what was "right."

In the last nine months, though, I've been proven wrong.

See, I've done everything "right." I made sure I was eating healthy and got well back within my "optimal" weight range. I cut out caffeine, alcohol, and sushi (per my RE's instructions), once we'd finished our IUI. I prayed daily for my delight in the Lord as he would grant the desires of my heart. And I offered support and love to those pregnant and with newborns as they faced new chapters of their lives.

So, isn't that supposed to equal a baby?

I suppose that, in the way the world works, it doesn't. It equals tears and heartbreak and angst and pain. But that just doesn't seem FAIR to me--I like it when I know what I'm supposed to do, and an expected result appears. I don't understand why other women are granted their hearts' desires and I am not--over and over again. I don't want to be a role model of optimism and joy--I just want to be a mom. And it seems, well, unfair.

As it turns out, 1 + 1 doesn't always = 2. And good behavior + an honest heart's desire doesn't = a pregnancy. That still seems unfair tonight, and it still hurts. And as much as I continue to trust and know that our Father has a hope and a plan for our future, it doesn't cease my anger or heal my heart.

So, friends, that's where I am, in a very raw place tonight. I love to offer you optimism and hope, but that's in short supply at the moment. Instead, I offer you honesty and truth, and I await the Lord's guidance on where that leads me.