On being present.

As a child, I often heard a refrain in my house: "Presence with a c is far preferred." Of course, the "other" kind of presents were the ones I hoped to find stacked by the side of the fireplace Christmas morning, heaped on the green bench for birthday dinners, and tucked in a basket with green grass on Easter Sunday. But my mum and dad never failed to place the most important weight where it was most needed: on our physical presence within our family rather than on the presents so often lavished on children in the affluent suburbs where I grew up.

This fall, for perhaps the first time ever, I am truly able to grasp the enduring truth of my parents' oft-repeated mantra. As I re-entered the classroom last week and met all fifty-two of my students, I quickly realized that my full attention would be required--to learn new names, to engage in intricate discussions, to read countless summer reading essays. And so, even in the midst of all the topics competing for attention in my mind this fall--and perhaps because of all of them--I made a decision. Here is my commitment: I will remain 100% present in the place where I am.

In just a few days, my resolution has already taken several forms. As I drive to work in the morning, red lights are no longer a reason to check my texts; when my students are engaged in small group discussions, it's not a time to shoehorn in a quick work email. Likewise, when I have a free block, I'm not trying to bounce between grading, posting online, and checking email; if Jeff is home in time for us to cook dinner together, I'm doing my best to leave the computer screen closed.

Being fully present is a gift--to my students, my husband, my family, my friends, and--perhaps most importantly--to myself. It gives me permission to leave grading at school and make weeknight plans with girlfriends; it allows me freedom from anxiety and release from guilt. Instead of constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough, I am finally certain that I am doing the very best I can, for the people who I'm with, for the moments when I'm with them.

I honestly don't know what the coming weeks and months will bring. I know that my attention will be pulled in numerous directions as we start our medicated cycle, as we draw closer to the fall/winter holiday seasons, as the papers pile up and the students clamor for one-on-one meetings. And I know one more thing for sure: when Jeff and I are blessed to become the parents we so deeply desire to be, I will absolutely have to be fully present in one thing at a time.

I can only pray that this fall is the training we will need for an imminent future.