Remember the game Chutes and Ladders? Today, while sitting in church at RCC, it occurred to me that I feel like my life has become quite similar to that game. When we started trying to have a baby, I thought it would be impossible; I simply had no faith in my body's ability to conceive. Although I certainly read up on fertility, I quickly tired of things like temping and charting, and I never posted on a message board. By the time I got pregnant four months later, Jeff and I weren't even actively trying anymore. In a way, I landed on that first lucky ladder and went straight from square 1 to square 38--so many things had gone unexpectedly right, and it hadn't seemed like much work or stress or pain--nothing like the conception process has been for so many women I know. With our positive sign on the pregnancy test, I began posting actively on pregnancy websites and sharing my excitement with other moms-to-be, and we started sharing our news with all of you.
And then January 11 happened, and everything changed. I slid down what felt like the longest chute on the board--that awful one that you hoped you'd always skip that took you from square 87 to square 24. There wasn't much joy in the fact that I could eat sushi or drink wine, because those things just reminded me of the ways in which I'd failed. I had to change my ticker on thebump.com to reflect the day we lost our Blueberry rather than the day s/he would join us in this world. I began looking for support on a miscarriage/loss message board rather than sharing joy on an "August 2012 moms" one.
Since that day, I've advanced a few squares. Square 25: we shared our loss with close friends and family who hadn't even known about our pregnancy and allowed ourselves to lean on them for love and support. Square 26: the procedure went well, as did our follow-up two weeks later when the doctor told us I'd healed perfectly and she has no worries for our future. I don't know what Square 27 will be, but I will wait for it hopefully and expectantly (as a good friend reminded me to recently).
And you know what? I don't think I want to take the ladders anymore. I learn much more by taking things one square at a time.
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