Cleft. At first glance, I knew the word was the past tense of "to cleave," so I went to Merriam-Webster for a bit more enlightenment. The second definition in the list was the one that I expected: "to divide by or as if by a cutting blow." It's the meaning Gertrude intends in act 4 of Hamlet, and it's the meaning that my heart intended this morning when I woke up thinking the words. I wanted to remember the tiny Blueberry who broke my heart in two, to sit in the sorrow and grief of still not being able to try again, to rage against those who carry little ones in their bellies and in their arms.
But then, quite unexpectedly, I found the primary definition of cleave: "to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly." Of course--in the Book of Ruth, Ruth cleaves to her mother-in-law, Naomi, saying, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay" (Ruth 1:16). What does it mean if, instead of breaking my heart in two, our little Blueberry actually glued it back together? How possibly could carrying that little life with me wherever I go for the remainder of my days in some way bring me renewed life and hope?
I'm not certain of the answers yet, but, after musing on this line for the better part of a day, I am certain of one thing: I will forever cleave to the little one who cleft my heart in twain.
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