Cute as a Button?

This is what most of our days look like lately.

"They" say that 3 months is when babies really start evening out, start developing a schedule, start waking less during the night, but Lily apparently missed that memo. Instead, our sweet-tempered, easily scheduled, all-star nurser has turned into a difficult, unpredictable little screamer who has left her parents exhausted and exceedingly confused. And, while I understand that babies will be babies and that my love of a routine will not translate into Lily actually keeping one, the last couple of weeks have felt, at times, even more challenging than those first two weeks did. Once again, I don't always know how to soothe my daughter, I can't predict when she'll need to nurse or need to nap, and I find myself over-tired, under-nourished, and lacking patience at the end of the day.

I suppose I'm learning what it means to be a mom in these moments, and--while it seems like it will be so much easier when she can tell me what's wrong or entertain herself for a few hours--I know those stages will come with their own challenges, too. Sometimes, it seems like her toughest moments are designed to help me grow in my flexibility with whatever the world throws at me. I'm learning that a screaming baby doesn't surprise the people around me nearly as much as it surprises me, that sympathetic looks from other moms as she wails in the grocery store don't mean they think I'm doing a bad job as a mom but, rather, indicate their empathy for the exhaustion and frustration they can read on my face. I'm also learning to ask for help, to know when I need to let Jeff take over or when it's okay to knock on a neighbor's door and hand her over for fifteen minutes while I take a shower. And, though they seem few and far between these days, I'm also learning to appreciate moments like the one in the picture below more than ever.

Everyone keeps telling me our sweet little Button will come back, and I know she will. Sometimes I just wonder how long I'll have to wait--because 3 months doesn't seem like nearly the utopian existence that I thought it was going to be.

An addendum: I've been thinking about this post all day, and I feel like it's really important for me to add this note at the end of it. For over two years, I have read posts like this one on the blogs of women I love, the blogs of women who have little ones. I remember thinking over and over how desperately I wished that I had the problem of a son or daughter who cried too much or who needed constant attention--because that would mean I had a baby. I know many of you who read this blog are hopefully waiting for the day you'll hold your rainbow in your arms, and I await that day by your sides. In no way is this post meant to be a "woe is me"--it is simply the moment I'm in.