Yesterday was a horrible, very bad, no good kind of day.
Yesterday, I wondered why God had chosen me to parent this little girl.
Yesterday, I couldn't stop crying.
Yesterday, I kept thinking "I hate being a mom."
But today...
Today, I've realized that 4 consecutive hours of sleep can work wonders.
Today, I've learned that reaching out to other moms and being honest about what I'm feeling is beyond reassuring.
Today, I've figured out that "sometimes I hate being a mom of a newborn who can't tell me what she needs."
Today, I know that I am not perfect and neither is Lily, but I am the perfect mommy for Lily and she is the perfect daughter for me.
It's hard to explain how much guilt is tied up in being a new mom, especially for me, especially given my personality, especially given the journey it took to get here. It's a challenge to admit that it's a huge adjustment to be home all day yet to accomplish seemingly nothing, that I can get to a point where sleep eludes me because I'm too exhausted, that I believe that I'm failing my tiny daughter. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by friends and family--both long-distance and right in the same room--who reassure me that everything I'm feeling is normal and that this phase will be over soon enough.
While Lily is the same newborn today that she was yesterday, today is much brighter, much more manageable, much more joyful. Today, I looked down at her sweet little face as she nursed and reveled with delight in holding my daughter in my arms. So, while there will be more yesterdays in our future, I'm writing this today to remind myself that the todays will come after the yesterdays and that joy does come fresh with each new morning.
I'm doing my best, little Lily. We'll get the hang of this yet.
You are doing a wonderful job and Lily is lucky to have you as a mom. She's also pretty much the cutest baby around.
ReplyDeleteIt just takes time. I remember those early days so well, but if you're both alive at the end of the day, the baby is fed and loved, and the house is still standing (even if a little messy) then you're doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteI can't agree with Jenn that she's the cutest baby around (I mean, have you seen my kid? :P), but I will say that she's the cutest little girl around. ;)
((HUG)) to you and Jeff. So normal, but so scary in the moment. I called Bill (who has been called "Saint Bill" by several in my family) to come home early for work because I'm in tears and "the window is open"--meaning, it's open and I can jump or you can come home and save me from myself. Just remember two things: (1) you can always put a baby down in a crib and walk away. You really can. (2) There is such a thing as post partum and it is horrible and demeaning and lies to you. So if you begin to feel like "this isn't normal" and you want help, GET IT. Too many of my first-time-mom friends suffered for months before seeking help and it did ugly things to their thoughts. So keep yourself healthy and well so you can keep HER healthy and well. We love you and send you happy thoughts and wishes for sleep.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, it is hard. 4+ months out, I still have days like that. There are so many emotions and hormones and they are super overwhelming. Add in a tiny sweet human who can't communicate and a severely overtired mama... it's bound to crack even the strongest of people. I often tell myself that "this is only temporary." The bad night, it passes. The screaming when nothing seems to be wrong, it stops. The protesting wiggles away from the soother or from your attempt to comfort are replaced by snuggles and gentle sighs as she gives into heavy eyelids. It is only temporary.
ReplyDeleteBreathe deeply and snuggle her a little more today. You've simultaneously made it so far and only just started this challenging journey with sweet Lily. And just as the struggles are temporary, so are those soft coos and sweet snuggles. I feel as though I've blinked and 1/3 of a year has gone by. Take a minute and enjoy each coo, snuggle a little longer, kiss those cheeks a few more times for good measure. For this sweet stage is also only temporary
.
You are perfect for her and are doing an amazing job, mama.
All of your comments on this post have been so helpful, reassuring, and comforting to me. Reading your own experiences, knowing I'm not alone, hearing that I really CAN do this is just what I need.
ReplyDeleteMarlee, I'm so glad to hear you're doing well! :-)