GUILT.
I feel guilty when I'm tired or sore and can't work out.
I feel guilty when I eat more than I usually would.
I feel guilty when my friends and family make such incredible efforts to celebrate me and Button.
I feel guilty when I'd rather nap than do something productive.
I feel guilty when my temper is short because my emotions run high.
I feel guilty because we've wanted Button for so long that no complaint seems valid.
I feel guilty because so many women I love and respect would love to be uncomfortable for the reasons I am right now.
I feel guilty because my pregnancy is so easy compared to many others I know.
I feel guilty because we are surrounded by love and support, but I worry I'm bothering others when I ask for it.
I feel guilty because there's an internal war every day between my fear of a changing body and my desire to keep Button growing strong and healthy.
I only figured all of this out after Jeff spent 30 minutes with me, calming me down, regulating my breathing, talking me out of hysterical sobbing on our bed. After my best friend made me scrambled eggs and a bowl of grapes to help even out my blood sugar. After I realized that asking for help was no longer just an option but a necessity.
And so we arrive at today. I'm about to write another post, one that will share with all of you the overwhelming love and joy I was able to experience at Button's baby shower, which was just incredible. However, I felt like I needed to write this post first, just to be honest, just to explain that--even though I wouldn't change a thing about where I'm so blessed to be today--this stage is still hard.
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteTory, Nicole said it well above, but it's OKAY to have moments. It really is, as hideous as that sounds to all those who wish they were where you are today and can't be for whatever reason. But it IS okay and very very normal. Remember what I said earlier on: some people are blissfully happy every moment they are pregnant, and that is really great for them, but it makes those of us who really fear it/dislike it/admit discomfort feel terrible about our own selves if we "dare" to complain or admit these feelings. So many women would tell you it was uncomfortable/hard/scary if they could. But I promise you, 100%, that it is all worth it. Your friends and loved ones can take your moments of insecurity and guilt. Just don't be TOO hard on yourself. That photo of you, with the onesie in your hands and the sun shining down on your glorious smile is the one to remember. You are not really YOU right now. Between hormones, feelings, etc. you are you plus one. I promise, you get to return to you--changed, but more YOU and less you plus one--and hopefully you look back on this wild experience as one more sign of your own personal strength and a bonding moment for you and Jeff. Rock on, woman, rock on!
ReplyDeleteYour wisdom and honesty in this comment have helped more than you can imagine, my dear friend! Thank you so much for supporting me/us on this journey!
Deletep.s.--I know this is awful, but I am so so so so so very glad that your hiatus means you were struggling internally, because I feared for the absolute worst after such happy 28 week post. I've prayed for you all daily that your absence didn't mean disaster and sitting in a NICU hoping against bad news. Truly am so very relieved that it was "just" in your head.
ReplyDeleteWhat you wrote here also helped my perspective--how grateful I am that my biggest worry right now is a sense of guilt. Little Button is completely oblivious to it, though, as she's just happily wiggling away in my belly (she managed to kick all through class with my seniors this morning, which had me giggling!).
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