Dear Button: Your Mama is a Worrywart.

Dear Button,

This week was tough. I thought that, after a good first trimester screening or after we made it to second trimester or certainly after a great anatomy scan, things would get easier for me. Some days, it seems that they have, but this week was hard, and I worried about you a lot.

It started early in the week when, sadly, two of the women in my online support community lost their sweet babies at 20-21 weeks. One was a traumatic accident while the second was completely unexpected and unexplained, but both made me anxious about your own safety. And then, on Wednesday, you stopped being your regular, wiggly self--it seemed like I hardly felt a nudge all day long. At school, I found it hard to focus on my classwork; at home, I sat on the sofa in tears. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if anything happened to you.

Thursday night, your (totally awesome and completely patient) daddy did his best to calm me down. He reminded me that you're still inside my belly, flipping away, and that I'm doing the very best I can to keep you as safe and protected as possible. But, when the fears just wouldn't dissipate, he agreed that perhaps going to see the doctor to hear your heartbeat today might be a good idea--especially if it would calm me down enough to actually enjoy registering for your first big party (your shower!) with him on Sunday.

And so we arrived at today. You started wiggling a lot more (thanks, little girl!), which had me breathing a bit easier, and the doctor found your "buttonbeat" in seconds on her Doppler. You're right where I thought I've been feeling you--just 2-3 inches below my bellybutton--so now I feel more certain that it's you making my insides squirm.

When I left the doctor, I called your daddy right away. He wasn't surprised to hear you're doing just fine, and he didn't reprimand me for my need to hear you whooshing away. But he did remind me that I need to learn to manage this fear--both for now and for years down the road. He asked me to imagine the first time you bump your head, the first time you go through a night without screaming, or the first time you get sick, and he told me we can't rush to the ER each time.

We're really lucky to have your daddy, Button. He's going to keep your mama sane, I think.

And your daddy and I are really, really blessed to have you, little wiggly worm. How we love you already and how excited we are to prepare for your arrival in 4 short months!

With all my heart,
Your Mama, the Worrywart.