Christmas Day 2013

A disclaimer: I'm a bit belated in getting this post up, but with good reason: first thing on December 26, we headed north for 5 days in Connecticut with friends and family. It was a wonderful but exhausting whirlwind; we're ready to get our feet back on the ground and our heads back in preparations for our little girl's arrival in just over 6 weeks (if she's kind enough to wait that long!).

Our first "home" Christmas was indulgent, lazy, joyful, and perfect--we couldn't have asked for more! Remember that grocery list from my Christmas Eve post? Well, that means the morning started with Jeff flipping eggnog-soaked challah French toast while I prepared bowls of fresh fruit and berries and sipped some delicious chocolate-hazelnut coffee.

After we'd stuffed ourselves while watching Elf, it was time to open some stockings. First up, of course, were the 4-legged children, who never seem to tire of finding Party Mix (affectionately known as "kitty crack" in our family) in their stockings. 

However, Jeff found an extra-special treat for this year, though they had to take turns wearing their festive Christmas finest.

Guillie seemed most persecuted by the whole ordeal, while Rosie happily curled up in front of the fire and completely forgot she was wearing it (though her jingling amused us all day!).

With the 4-legged children satiated with treats and new toys, we turned our attention to Button--who has a very special stocking indeed.

Here are two things you might not know: 1) in spite of the embellishments, this stocking was hand-sewn for me 5 years ago, not for Button, and 2) it was hand-crafted by Jeff.

That's right: Jeff made this stocking. He found the fabric in a bag in my closet, not knowing that it was the fabric from a chair and sofa in my childhood living room--the one where all my Christmas memories were born. He used another stocking to create a template, then hand-sewed the fabric together (having never sewed before), adding the buttons at the end. I love this stocking so much, but we decided this year that it clearly has been Button's all along, so we put a few of her presents in it this year.

Truly, I think opening the presents for the kittens and Button was the best part of the morning, but we enjoyed the ones we'd created for each other, too!

After stockings were opened, we spent a bit of time finishing up a Christmas puzzle my mum had given us before bundling up for a chilly but wonderful midday walk in a nearby park.

Once we returned from the frosty outdoors, our tummies were grumbling, which clearly meant it was time to eat again! As Jeff got the fire going, I put out a spread of cheese, pate, toasted baguettes, stuffed mushrooms, and other goodies.

To finish off the delightful day, we headed to our beloved neighbors for a nightcap and a chat--not surprisingly, I only made it until 10pm before Button and I were ready to snuggle in for a long winter's nap!

Christmas Eve Traditions

Merry Christmas Eve 2013!

This year was the first time Jeff and I have intentionally been just us two--or three! We spent two wonderful Christmases with my parents in Florida, a few in New Jersey with friends, and one in Connecticut with Jeff's family, but this year we decided was the time to establish our own traditions. Our hope is that, next year, when Button wakes up on Christmas Eve morning, we have pieces of both of our families--as well as traditions of our own--to share with her (though we know she won't remember them quite yet!).

The day really started with some pre-planning on December 23, when I spent 2 hours in Wegman's, getting all the necessary supplies for a yummy holiday. Here's the menu planning I did on our white board, so I wouldn't forget any of the deliciousness!

Christmas Eve morning started off with a delicious "spuds" breakfast (my brother's invention that's a combination of potatoes, peppers, onions, and scrambled eggs). While Jeff cooked, I spruced up the tree a bit.

I also had to turn my attention to my favorite Christmas "decoration": the skating scene hand-crafted by Uncle Pat (my dad's younger brother). Each piece is hand-painted, and it's always prominently displayed throughout December and January in our house.

After breakfast and a shower, it was time to head out for a tradition started by my brother and sister-in-law: stocking shopping. We take $80 out of our account ($40 each) and go to a fun neighborhood to find stocking stuffers for each other. This year, we chose Old Town Alexandria, and we added a new stocking to the list: each of us took $20 for Button. Once all the shopping was complete, we met at a cozy pub to warm up and get some sustenance.

By the time we got home, we only had long enough to take a few quick pictures in front of the tree before it was time to head out back out again.

This year, for the first time in the three and a half years we've called Reston Community Church our home, we were able to be with our church family on Christmas Eve, and it was perfect! And to be there with our little girl kicking in my belly (she really liked the rousing choruses in the Christmas carols!) was nothing short of miraculous. There was even the cutest Christmas pageant, and Jeff and I couldn't help but get a little teary at the thought of Button being a tiny angel in a few years.

After church, it was time to head home for our special Christmas Eve tradition--the one we established the very first Christmas Eve we spent together. That year, we were supposed to head to California to be with my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas, but a storm delayed us. As we waited in long lines at the airport, we watched several disappointed men and women in uniform on the seats around us, also waiting for a way to reach their families. Without hesitating, we told the woman at the desk to just put us on a post-Christmas flight--clearly others needed the seats more than we did. Though we were sure our decision was the right one, we headed back to our little apartment, disappointed. Back on the sofa, after dark, Jeff sniffling miserably with a horrible cold that was swiftly moving into his chest, we looked at each other sadly--this just didn't feel like any Christmas Eve we'd imagined. With no food in the house, I ran out to Whole Foods with just $40, hoping something would still be left. Forty-five minutes later, I returned with gruyere cheese, an apple, a baguette, and a very small, red, ceramic fondue pot. Through my tears, I told Jeff it was time for us to have our own traditions, and I voted for fondue on Christmas Eve. That year, I explained, all we could afford was cheese and bread, but, as our bank accounts and family grew, we could keep adding items and courses. Jeff mustered all his energy to get off that sofa and give me a giant hug, and a tradition was born.

Though we still haven't added courses, the recipe has gotten more complex, and we've added some new items. This year, we followed Tyler Florence's recipe (delicious!) and blanched some cauliflower and broccoli.

After stuffing ourselves with cheesy goodness, we set up "blind" wrapping stations--we couldn't see what was going in our respective stockings, after all! Once everything was wrapped, we set up the mantle for Christmas morning.

Daddy gets the biggest stocking, Button had a bag for this year (more on that in a Christmas Day post),
and Mommy clearly needs a real stocking (rather than the furry Russian bag)!

And then it was on to the final tradition of the night, one that's been established in my family for years. My dad has always read us 'Twas the Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve, so Jeff had big shoes to fill this year, but Baby Button listened attentively and went to sleep soon after, thus giving her mommy a lovely and rare Christmas present of a good night's sleep!

Time is flying!

Clearly, Christmas is in the air around here! For so long, I'd thought of my Winter Break as The Time. You know, The Time when I'd pack the hospital bag, when we'd finish up the nursery, when we'd make all the purchases we'd need for Button's first few weeks, when we'd enjoy those quiet final date nights as "just us two."

(All the moms reading this are laughing, right? It's okay, you have a right to.)

So, here it is, Winter Break, and about all I want to do is sleep and consume vast quantities of the homemade Christmas cookies so many of my sweet students gave me on the last day of school. And, while I'm sure that my ever-present to do list will drive me to accomplish all that needs to be done, there is a part of me that just wants to enjoy a couple of weeks of calm, weeks when I get to feel little Button wiggling away daily, weeks when no one judges how much Peppermint Bark I just ate in a single sitting, weeks when Jeff and I can watch a Christmas movie, giggling at how my stomach ripples in waves under his hand.

A year ago now, I didn't honestly believe I'd ever be pregnant; we'd just lost our sweet Beanster days before, and I had no hope of a future family. This year is very, very different, so I am reminded to enjoy being pregnant, because I don't know if I'll ever have this opportunity again.

And, with that, I'm off in search of more homemade cookies...

Celebrating Button

Back in August, my friend, M, asked me about a date for Button's shower. (M has been walking this journey with us for a long time--she's the one who first introduced us to Shady Grove Fertility, she's been by my side through both heartbreaking losses, and she's overjoyed to celebrate this tiny life now.) When she asked about a date, we decided on December 7, but it seemed so hypothetical, like so many things would have to go right to make the day actually arrive as planned. Even as I dressed for the shower yesterday, I felt like a bit of a fraud, like it wasn't possible that we'll be holding our little girl in 10 short weeks, like everyone was celebrating something that was perhaps a figment of my imagination. But then Button walloped me with a hard kick to the right, and everything shifted into focus: this is for real.

So, on December 7, 2013, at 2:00pm, ten women who I love gathered to celebrate Button. From the moment I walked in the door, I was overwhelmed--yes, by the delicious food, adorable clothing, beautiful decorations, and piles of sweetly wrapped gifts--but more by the women there, the ones who have walked by our sides through heartache and who want nothing more than to share our exuberant joy today.

Here's just a small smattering of how they showered her--and me--with love.

To make sure Button will always be as stylish as her Auntie K, 

K filled two clotheslines with absolutely adorable and impossibly tiny onesies, socks,

shoes, sweaters, hats, and shoes!

(If you look closely, you'll even see the mini pair of Uggs!)

Bunches of baby's breath, scrolls with baby trivia about me and my birth year, 

and sweet pots of honey awaited the guests.

Surrounded by such overwhelming generosity, I could hardly take it all in.

Though my mum couldn't be there, she sent along a bag of goodies that included

an "open-the-flap" book of Bible stories and a sweet little stuffed lamb who plays "Jesus Loves Me."

From my best friend, L, came an adorable sink protector for bathing Button--

which can also double as a beautiful Derby Day hat for mama!

M filled a basket with assorted goodies, and she's also the photographer for this picture,

which is perhaps one of my favorites of the day.

The onesie I'm holding up in the previous photo is the one you can see here;

it proclaims our gratitude to Shady Grove Fertility!

Button's quickly growing closet!

As the shower wound down, I tried to put into words my gratitude, but M was quick to quiet me. "Tory," she said, "this is just an extension of the love we already have for you and Jeff." 

How right she is--and how blessed and loved our little girl is already.

I feel...

I've been absent from here for a couple of weeks, and I've been trying to figure out exactly why. After a complete breakdown mere hours before my baby shower yesterday, I finally started to put the puzzle pieces together (with a little help from Jeff).

GUILT.

I feel guilty when I'm tired or sore and can't work out.
I feel guilty when I eat more than I usually would.
I feel guilty when my friends and family make such incredible efforts to celebrate me and Button.
I feel guilty when I'd rather nap than do something productive.
I feel guilty when my temper is short because my emotions run high.

I feel guilty because we've wanted Button for so long that no complaint seems valid.
I feel guilty because so many women I love and respect would love to be uncomfortable for the reasons I am right now.
I feel guilty because my pregnancy is so easy compared to many others I know.
I feel guilty because we are surrounded by love and support, but I worry I'm bothering others when I ask for it.
I feel guilty because there's an internal war every day between my fear of a changing body and my desire to keep Button growing strong and healthy.

I only figured all of this out after Jeff spent 30 minutes with me, calming me down, regulating my breathing, talking me out of hysterical sobbing on our bed. After my best friend made me scrambled eggs and a bowl of grapes to help even out my blood sugar. After I realized that asking for help was no longer just an option but a necessity.

And so we arrive at today. I'm about to write another post, one that will share with all of you the overwhelming love and joy I was able to experience at Button's baby shower, which was just incredible. However, I felt like I needed to write this post first, just to be honest, just to explain that--even though I wouldn't change a thing about where I'm so blessed to be today--this stage is still hard.

Got Love? Button Sure Does!

There are so many things to be thankful for right now that I hardly know where to start (or how to group them under some kind of coherent blog post heading!). As a result, I've decided to focus this week on the ways in which so many of you are already wrapping Button in love, because she's not going to know what to do with this huge extended family--some blood-related but many heart-family--come February!

Sharing with us in the joy of reaching the 28-week milestone

When I say I'm 28 weeks this week, almost every mama responds with, "Oh, you're breathing a sigh of relief!" They're right--28 weeks is when premature babies have developed enough inside the womb that their chances of survival in the outside world are excellent; few long-term effects of premature birth are seen in infants who were introduced to the world at 28 weeks or later. And so, while we want Button to say snug as a bug for another 12 weeks or so, we're in awe of the fact that we've made it to this milestone--and that so many of you are just as excited to celebrate it as we are!

Sharing with us in the delight of new baby items in our home

(Stasy, this one's for you!)

Last week, I mentioned that we had tested out our new baby carrier with a furry occupant--here's proof! (For the record, Ozzy loved it and didn't stop purring the whole time.) Back at 18 weeks, I wondered if I'd ever be excited to bring baby items into our house; now, thanks to your infectious excitement, you all have made it a joyful occurrence that is to be celebrated!

Loving on Button with unexpected surprises

This week, several things arrived in our house from people who love Button already--things that made me squeal with delight and tear up with emotion.

From a friend I've never met--one who lives all the way across the country--a package arrived with a button-themed layette. These are definitely contenders for what Button may come home from the hospital wearing!

From strong and loving women at church came onesies (that apparently were too irresistible to wait until our shower in two weeks!) and a full (second-hand) Pottery Barn Kids ducky bath set, complete with towels, wastebasket, tissue holder, and shower curtain. (There will be photos for the bathroom set later--once I convince Jeff that we really do need to repaint the bathroom itself first!)

From my beloved godmother, an extraordinarily generous and unexpected early shower gift: the Graco Pack N Play that will also serve as our stand-alone bassinet and a mobile changing table. (We're pretty sure pictures will be forthcoming of the cats pre-warming these spaces for Button...)

And, perhaps most incredibly of all, a hand-knit baby blanket--in the perfect colors to match our nursery--from my dear, sweet, amazing friend, Jenn (who blogs over at The Canadian Housewife). With all the heartache she's had in recent months, she still arrived at our house last night (yes, she's visiting this weekend from Canada with her husband!) with this beautiful blanket in hand, so excited to shower Button with love. Jenn, this will always be Button's blankie, and we suspect--just like you and Dan--it will be in our lives forever.

Caring for Button by caring for her mama

There's no way to end this post without mentioning Jeff's care of me--not just in the last six months, but really in the last seven years. This week marked our 5th Engage-a-versary (if you're not sure what that is, you can read last year's post here!), and I was completely overwhelmed--once again--as I reflected on how Jeff cares not just for me but, through caring for me, for our little Button. As we finished our dinner, dressed up for a night out, Jeff quickly read the exhaustion on my face. Without missing a beat, he signed the check, pushed back his chair, and got his jacket. His next words were possibly the romantic ones he could have said to this pregnant mama on a school night: "Shall we go get you a cupcake and let you eat it at home in your PJs with an episode of Modern Family?" Even when I don't know how to care for our daughter--when I'm too exhausted to know I'm tired, too ravenous to know I'm hungry, too self-conscious to consider skipping a workout, he's the one to gently take me by the arm and lead me to nourishment, rest, and renewal. How in awe I am of the fact that he's my partner for this journey!

Dear Button: No matter what, you'll never be alone.

Still struggling with my changing body, I'm trying to see the picture taken on this beautiful fall morning for what it is:
 a proud mama who would do anything to keep her daughter growing safely and happily.

Dear Button,

These words aren't mine, but they're the ones that have been singing through my radio and into my heart for the last few days.

So let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when you're lost

And you should follow it wherever it may go

When it's all said and done, you can walk instead of run

'Cause no matter what, you'll never be alone.

- Lady Antebellum, "Compass"

One day, I'll tell explain to you the Shakespeare sonnet that your daddy and I had read by your Uncle Ret at our wedding (I've written about it here). That sonnet describes love as a "fixed mark," comparing it to the North Star that guides sailors safely home. For so long, I've thought of the love between your daddy and me as the fixed mark that guides me home, that reminds me that your daddy has my heart, and so my home is where he is. But today, singing "Compass" to you as I drove home from work, I realized that your daddy and I are about to triangulate our navigation system.

As the song's lyrics reminded me, it has been a bumpy road to get here--to get to third trimester and knowing--miraculously--we're just three months from your arrival. And there were plenty of times that I was ready to give up because it was dark, but we didn't because somehow we knew--we just knew--that you were out there, being prepared for us by your heavenly Father, and that promise kept us pressing forward.

And so here we are today, feeling your kicks and wiggles daily, washing tiny footed pajamas for you, testing out the new baby carrier with a furry occupant. And all those things are joyful and wonderful and awe-inspiring, but nothing is more important to me than that you know this: no matter what, you'll never be alone.

Your daddy and I have waited for you through the despair; we have held hands tightly in the moments of fear and rejoiced cautiously in the moments of celebration; we have relied on each other and on our faith to lead us through the darkness. And now, as we realize you really are coming, we know that we are here to ensure you are never alone in the moments of darkness (because, as much as I wish I could promise those won't come, they will). Little Button, we promise to do all we can to guard your heart so that it will be the compass to guide you home.

Because we can't wait to be your home, sweet little girl.

With all my love,
Your mommy

P.S. Just for fun--because this week's photo is so perfect for it--look at how you've grown in just 9 short weeks, little Button! And we still have 13 to go!

Mama's getting crafty!

So, I'm not much of a crafter. In theory, I like the idea, but--aside from the occasional cross stitch--I don't seem to have the time, the talent, or the patience. However, I've been thinking about somehow creating a button-oriented craft for the nursery door for a while. This weekend, while Jeff was away visiting a friend, I had the perfect opportunity to get crafty!

I started with some online searching and discovered this fabulous blog with great instructions about making "button animals" on a canvas. A quick trip to Michael's on Friday evening resulted in a canvas, some ribbon, and an assortment of buttons. (Though I wanted to use buttons I already had, it turned out I didn't have nearly enough blue ones for the project.) On Saturday, I sketched out a whale and a wave on canvas, and then, this morning before church, I did the first layer of painting, using the leftover paint from our nursery walls.

It wasn't much to look at yet, but I was pretty excited all the same, given my general lack of artistic skills. Once I got back from church and armed myself with a hot glue gun, I was ready for the next step: the first layer of buttons.

In retrospect, I wish I hadn't used the lighter blue ones--they were too close to the paint colors. However, the second layer of buttons started to cover them up.

Isn't the eye too cute? Those are actually the only buttons I used from my own collection. Next came the spout:

Because I still didn't feel like the waves were nearly dark enough and I was bothered by the lighter buttons peeking through, I did a few more touch-ups and then added a ribbon. (It's a pretty grosgrain ribbon I found at Michael's, which I doubled over on the ends, secured with hot glue, then nailed into the back of the wooden frame.)

And now it's proudly hanging on Button's door! I love the way it gives a little "sneak peek" into the full nursery decor, and I really love that I'm now inspired to do more crafts with our little girl in a few years!