Spoiling All the Fun

The spring of my junior year at Davidson College, I constantly begged my parents for my mom's former car. I came up with a thousand arguments why I surely needed a vehicle in North Carolina, but none of them were convincing enough. Going into the summer, I continued my barrage and finally met with success: the Volvo and I could go to the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey for the summer acting apprenticeship program. Victory! However, I'll never forget what my father said to me, very quietly, the morning that he turned over the keys: "Tory, surprises are much more fun when the giver gets to joyfully surprise you." I didn't understand it at the time; I won the car, so what did the process matter? Today, though, despite not yet being a parent myself, I think I might finally understand my dad's words.

My mum sent me a note that arrived yesterday afternoon. It contained photocopies of two devotionals, one from Jesus Calling and one from Our Daily Bread. Both focused on the same set of verses from Psalm 37, and my mum was quick to remind me that Psalm 37:4 was my "birthday verse" the year I turned 25: "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." It's a hard verse for me to trust right now, when things don't seem to be going our way for this first medicated cycle in which I'd put so much hope and promise of future joys. But the verse doesn't command me to "pray" to the Lord or to "beseech" the Lord--it simply asks me to "take delight" in Him. That's not easy, but I'm trying.

I then turned to the October 10 Jesus Calling devotional my mum sent, and I was struck by the following words:

"Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them.

Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love.... When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin--so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment."

I love to predict and control things, to try to find out the outcome before I'm supposed to know the ending, to project myself into the future and pre-write emails or pre-rehearse conversations. I'd never thought of those acts as sinful ones before, but they are. As I try to learn the results of this cycle before I'm supposed to, as I plan how I will share news--good or bad--with family and friends, I spoil the joy God takes in giving me a gift. When we are blessed with a family, it will be His gift to us and His alone, and it's not fair of me to try to cut corners by projecting myself into the future.

Like my earthly father, my heavenly One delights in the good gifts that He has in store for me. Just as my dad wanted nothing more than to surprise me with a car I didn't expect, I truly believe that God wants to surprise Jeff and me with the joy of a new life, in His perfect timing, in His perfect way. I have to cling to that promise, that He will give us the desires of our hearts, because the world is just too discouraging some days.

So, Lord, here's me, trying my best not to spoil all the fun. Trying to be patient, trying not to predict or control Your timing. Be patient with me; this isn't my strong suit, but I trust the joyful surprise you have in store for us.