There are, beyond the shadow of a doubt, some amazingly wonderful people and things and circumstances in my life. I give thanks for those pieces of my world as often as I can remember to, and I try to focus on them when other things just aren't going well. But today, in spite of all the good things I can list, the evil is just coming out on top.
Earlier this week, I learned that I may actually have Asherman's Syndrome, which is basically the presence of uterine scarring that is a rare but dangerous side effect of a D&C. At this point, it's hard to tell exactly how severe my scarring is and whether or not it's causing my wacky cycles and lack of ability to get pregnant again, but the fact was confirmed today: I need another surgery. This one will be a hysteroscopy, performed by my OB. It means more hospital bills, more pain, and more recovery time. At the point, I don't even know if we can get it in before I go back to teaching, which means it would also require days off from work.
All around me are pregnant bellies and infants. Women in my online support group are "graduating" to the pregnancy board; close friends just brought their newborn home yesterday; the neighbor down the street is showing. Most days, it's okay; I can manage the pain by distracting myself. Today, it's just not. The absolute and incredible lack of fairness of where we are today is drowning me. I'm suffocated by the knowledge that we started trying a year ago now, by the reminder that we should have spent our anniversary yesterday with our own little one. I'm disheartened by the frustration friends seem to have with me; I've realized that I need to stop giving them updates, but that also breaks my heart, because it makes me feel like a lost cause. I'm so incredibly broken-hearted that I cannot give my Boo a son or daughter to hold in his arms--that he has to look at photos and videos of friends doing just that, all the while knowing that the problem for him is me.
Today, I'm drowning.
I am so so sorry. I understand what it's like to have days where you are drowning and just hate everything. Life isn't fair. I am sending you giant ((hugs)) and know that I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind that I've been blog-stalking you! This post breaks my heart, it really is unfair. But, if the doctors have figured out what's going on and can fix it, I hope it means that there are *much* brighter days in your future. Every step is a step closer to your rainbow. *hugs* to you!
ReplyDelete~ pinktrojanbride
Tory, I don't know why or how I happened upon your corner of the internet today, but I read your entire blog in a single sitting, and I am so very sorry for everything that you and Jeff have gone through. I know that unfairness and how awful it is. I will be thinking of you and hating the unfairness on your behalf. From one TSI Shakespeare Sister to another...
ReplyDeleteI have been so incredibly touched and emotional in reading all three of the responses here. Only one of you ladies do I know in real life, and, Kate, I haven't seen you in far too long! I wrote this particular post thinking "this isn't beautiful or metaphorical, it's just raw and ugly," and to find your support in the darkness makes the light not seem so far away. Thank you, for reading, for commenting, for sending love and hugs.
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