Blueberry's Folder

Disorganization distresses me. I spend half my day in my classroom realigning my desks; my "to do" list contains items like "make new to do list"; entering the grocery store without a tally of items needed is a horrifying concept. As a result, it should come as no surprise that my gmail inbox is neatly organized by folders with titles ranging from "Family" to "Real Estate" to "Insurance."

When we found out we were pregnant in December, I immediately started a new folder: "Blueberry." Into it went all baby-related items: confirmation emails for various newsletters and stores, correspondence with my doctor's office, information about day care options. Every time I saw the folder title pop up on my screen, I grinned.

And then, on January 11, the contents of the folder shifted. Now, it contained cancellation confirmations for all baby websites, correspondence with the new therapist I found, and information about medical matters related to our miscarriage. I just couldn't bring myself to delete the folder entirely, so it temporarily contained those emails that hurt my heart too much to see in my actual inbox. I wondered what the next few weeks or months might bring and how my perception of our loss might change...

And then, one day in March, I got my answer. My Blueberry folder is full again, but this time with the gifts my little one left here on earth for me; it's full of emails from the women I never would have known without being forced into some of the most difficult months of my life. These amazing, strong ladies who have also persevered through pain, who have encouraged and supported me, who are role models and friends, these are the ladies who I met through the gift of my tiny Blueberry.

Thank you, little one, for still taking care of your momma.